Tips for first dates

I recently had an interesting first date with someone I met on-line.  The guy showed up a little late with a small stain on his shirt.  He had invited me for a drink but instead asked me to go for a walk.  Hello i was in heels and you invited me for a drink.  We go into the restaurant and he walks up  to sit at the bar.  Not a good place to have a first date conversation.  At my suggestion we got a quiet table out side.  The waitress brought bread.  My date takes a piece of bread and a butter packet, no knife.  He smears the butter across the bread and shoves the whole thing into his mouth leaving bits of butter around his mouth that he proceeds to lick off with his tongue.  Gross but not as bad as what came next.  He piled large globs of humus on a pita which he shoved into his mouth leaving a large amount on his face and proceeded to talk with his mouth full.  I couldn't even look at him.  After about 45 minutes he says "you're a reasonably good looking woman who seems to have it together.  Why are you still single?"  Ok is that a compliment or a put down?  Never, never ask this on a first date.  So I practically told him that I am still in love with my ex trying to get rid of him.  He still asked me out and tried to kiss me.  What part of I'm not interested is he not getting?  What does it take for a guy to get that a woman is not interested?  Note: if I'm offering to pay my part of the bill there will not be a second date.  I'm telling you I don't want you thinking that I owe you anything.

Speel Check was probably invented for you.

In modern times with so many great tools at our disposal why would you ever post anything or send anyone a message that has a hundred spelling an grammatical errors.  I myself and a horrible speller and I do occasionally misspell something and send it out on the web.  But I at least make an effort to be sure I keep my spelling and grammar error to a minimum but doing one simple step, spell check.  So you're a single guy and your trying to impress a woman and you send her the following message " i wpuld like to talk to you al you ned to do is leave a megess on my wall here an i eil get bacng message "  Seriously what do you think this says to her?  I personally refuse to respond to such messages.  This tells me that I'm not work the extra few seconds it would have taken you to spell check this therefore you are not worth my time either.  If you persist with poorly written messages I will send you instructions on how to use spell check.  Does this tell you why you're not getting responses to your posts or emails?  Oh look, I'm all done writting this and spell checking it and it only too me 3 minutes total.

Stop thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side!

There are far too many people in this world who seem to think that whatever they have isn't as good as what they could have.  There are so many men who think this way that they made a movie about it, "Hall Pass".  By fooling yourself into thinking that you can get better than what you've got you don't put the thought and energy into making what you have the best it could be. You are also highly risking that by doing so that your partner is going to see that you are not giving what you are getting and they in fact could do better.

In my years I have rarely met people who deep down didn't deserve to be fully and completely loved, to get as much as they give. 

Part of the problem is that many people think they dserve more than what they give. 
They seem to think that they can have their cake and eat it too.  Too many people who are lucky enough to be in a good relationship think they can do better so they don't put the effort into making what they have work.  Problem is not only do they have this "non-commitment" attitude they think their partner can't or won't notice their lack of effort.  Worse yet they act on it by flirting with others or the unforgivable, cheat.  They don't have the courage to tell their partner they want to date other people for fear that their partner will say fine go ahead but so will I or worse don't come home.  Then you've lost your "safety net". 

 Either jump in with all your heart or move on.  Life doesn't have safety nets.  You pride yourself on strength.  This is where someone's true strength shine's through.  Make yourself and your true friends and family proud.

What do you want for breakfast is not an acceptable pick up line.

If you really want a long term relationship using cheesy or sexual pick up lines is not the way to go.  They are most likely to get you a drink, in the face.  If you are contacting someone new on-line this is the best way to get you blocked or reported.  Asking if a new person you have contacted on line or just met at an outing likes sex or how they like sex is goign to likely get you one of two responses.  If you're looking for a one night stand that may work for you.  Otherwise that is not the start of a beautiful relationship.
Establish a relationship before you get into deeper, hotter (no pun intended) topics like sex, children, money or religion for that matter.

At your age unless your name is Blackbeard you shouldn't have an earing and a ponytail.

Even Jon Bon Jovi cut his famous shag before he reached 40.  Men over 40 with ponytails are sad.  Girls this is a red flag waving warning you that he has not matured beyond the "I want to be a rock star" stage in life.  A ponytail and earring is like posting a sign on your body that you are desperately trying to hold onto your youth.  Oh and even worse is the "I'm mostly bald but I'm going to fool people into thinking I have hair but wearing a ponytail" man.  We can see you. 
Cut the pony tail and lose the earring.

You just met me. I'm not your "babe"

Why do men feel the need to call women they are interested in pet names like "babe", "sweety",
"honey", "pretty" or any other pet name??  Who told them that it was acceptable to call a woman they just met a pet name?  Not only is it not acceptable it is kind of creapy and off putting.  Nothing will stop a conversation between me and a new man than him calling me babe.   Well that is right after him touching me without my permission.  Get to know your social cues.  If I haven't casually touched you first I'm probably not ready for you to touch me.  If you clasp my hand and I don't close my hand around you, I don't want to be holding your hand. 
Here is the bottom line.  Pet names and over the top compliments should be saved for an established relationship.  That is something special that you share with each other.  Trying to use those terms too early cheapens them and is probably going to limit how far your relationship will go.  There is nothing wrong with reaching for your date's hand but if that person doesn't close their hand around your's the timing isn't right or it may just not happen.

Unless you are Ken stop asking out Barbie

As I said before, my male friends complain about how hard it is being the guy and fearing rejection.  My belief is that part of this is men trying to meet women who are out of their league or continuing to pursue women who are obviously not interested.  If you are the average Joe try asking out the average Jane.  Stop trying to ask out Halle Berry.  You are much more likely to get a positive response from someone like you.

 Learn social cues.  If you are looking at a woman at a party or a bar and she sees you and smiles this is a good sign.  Look at her again and she smiles that is probably a good sign that you can approach her.  If on the other hand you look at her and she looks away that is not necessarily a bad sign.  However if you look at her again or even a third time and each time she looks away it is in your best interest to not approach her.  If you begin to approach a woman and she sees you and turns her back STOP where you are change your direction immediately.  She is NOT interested!!!  Do not keep trying.  You will only get labeled as a stocker.

When approaching a woman to talk to her be yourself.  Well for most of you be yourself.  Truth be told that the real you is going to come out sooner or later so might as well just start out that way.  Start with something simple like talking about something that is going on at the party. Do not start out a conversation with how much you love Star Trek unless you are at a Star Trek convention.  Do everyone a favor even after the you start a conversation if she turns her back on you and starts talking to someone else realize the conversation is over. 

Do not assume that the more homely women or the overweight women are despirit.  Generally they are not.  So starting a conversation with a lame line like "What do you like for breakfast cause I want to know what to be making you tomorrow morning." is not your shinning moment.  You are not going to be making breakfast for two come morning.  We'll discuss more lame pickup lines at another time.

Internet Dating: Are you really 6'4"??

Internet dating is extreemly popular right now.  There are some definete does and don'ts.


 Let's start with the photo.  It should be of you.  It should be a fairly current picture.  By fairly current let's say within the last year.  DO NOT post a picture of you taking the picture of yourself.  It should not be a picture taken from you computer sitting below you so that we all get a scenic view of the inside of your nose.  Smile this is supposed to show that you are a fun person open to meeting new and interesting women, not like you are getting a colonscopy. A handful of photo with you doing different things is preferable.  A picture tells a thousand words.  Four or five pictures tell more of a story of who you are.  We don't  need to see your posing in a speedo.


Tell a little about yourself and be honest.  If you are 5'4" don't say you are 6'4" because guess what unless you are dating someone who is blind she will figure it out the first time you meet.  Tell a little about yourself.  Don't give too much personal information too quickly.  You don't need to let everyone know that you were a virgin until your 30th birthday.  TMI.  However as a woman looking at your profile I would want to know that you still live at home or that you are an unemployed circus clown. You want to paint a picture of who you are.  DON'T complain.  Don't complain about your ex or how much this web site sucks or how you aren't into fat chicks.  Keep it positive.  If you are physically fit and are looking for someone physically fit, it would be best to say you are looking for someone with high energy and enjoys a healthy lifestyle.

If you contact a woman who's profile you have viewed be respectful.  Most women don't like to be called "honey", "babe" "sexy", or any other pet name in the first email you send them.  It's off putting.  Think of it this way if you met a woman in the grocery store would you walk up to her and start a conversation with "hey honey."  If you answered yes, let me ask you another question did it work or work for long?  My guess is with most quality woman they either laugh at you, ignore you or tell you off.  Ask questions that will help you get to know her better and give information that will help her get to know you.  Don't try to rush things.


My male friends complain about how hard it is being the guy and fearing rejection.  My belief is that part of this is men trying to meet women who are out of their league or continuing to pursue women who are obviously not interested.  If you are the average Joe try asking out the average Jane.  Stop trying to ask out Halle Berry.  You are much more likely to get a positive response from someone like you.   You may not completely at ease but knowing that you have a better shot should relive a little tension. 

That brings me to the approach.  Be confident not cocky.  Women respond to men who know what they want and who they are but do not respond well to men who are overbearing or arrogant.  Don't post pictures of yourself in model poses unless you really are a model.  Don't act like she would be so lucky to meet you.  Again be respectful.  

Ask your sisters and good female friends for advice or ask us.  Just ask!!  Be sure to tell them you want their honest opinion.  A good friend will tell you if your profile, email, or photo is appealing or frightening.

Grooming: Trust me Every Man needs It!!

Taking a shower is just not enough.  Ladies raise your hand if you have been on a date with Mr. hair growing out of his nose or ears?  How about Mr. eyebrows growing together?  Gentlemen this is not appealing.  On a daily basis, look into a mirror.  Take a moment to trim the nose hair and ear hair.  Pluck or go to a salon and get your eyebrows waxed so that that it doesn't look like you have a large furry catapiller growing above your eyes.

Take a shower with soap and shampoo and what the heck how about a little conditioner?  By the way if you are lucky enough to bring a date home it looks good if you have a shampoo that cost more than $3 a gallon in your bathroom.

After the shower brush your hair and again look in the mirror.  Hair products can help!  You may find that a little mousse or hairspray can help manage your hair.  Use a good deodorant.  For those of you a little more advanced moisturize your face.  It really is good for everyone's skin and it will help you look younger longer.

Cologne, like all good things is great in moderation.  First this is a good place to spend a little more.  Stetson and Old Spice are not an aphrodisiac.  Also you do not need to swim in it.  Not long ago I was swimming laps in a public pool.  A man walked outside to the pool area.  I was at least 12 feet away from him and was smacked in the face with his cologne.  Wow.  The really sad thing is that even after he got into the pool and began to swim, two lanes away from me, I could still smell him.  Macy's recommends and wisely I might add, one or two sprays on the chest or one on the chest and one mid back is best.

Manicures and pedicures are not just for women.  Not the word man in manicure.  This is not something that has to be weekly or even monthly but is a nice added grooming measure when you want to impress.  This can also be a relaxing 40 minutes for you and possibly a way to meet women.  Most nail salons now have special manicures for men.  Pedicures are impressive in that they don't get notice.  This is what you want.  Look at your naked feet.  if you have uneven, gaged nails or rough try heals you and you've got that crucial date comming up run don't walk to the nearest nail salon.

Back hair is generally not found attractive.  This is one of these areas where I feel sorry for men who are particulary hair men.  Let's face it, waxing is painful!!!  Having said that the truth is that this is a questionable area.  On one side a smooth back is generally more attractive.  One the other there is something to be said for being honest about who you are including your appearance.  This is especially true if you don't intend to or for some reason, including adversion to extreem pain, intend on maintaining a smooth back.  Gentlemen many women wax their legs and other sensative areas routinely subjecting themselves to this pain for the sake of beauty.  Even shaving has it drawbacks and can be time consuming.  So what this boils down to is this is a desicion that you will have to make for yourself.

This is unsolicited advice for single men from real women

I'm a real woman and so are my friends and co-workers.  We are of varying ages and relationship status.  This is meant to give single men advice on dating single women and maybe at some point married men advice on how to keep your relationship fresh and happy.  Between us we have decades of experience in this area and are hoping that by helping you we are also helping ourselves, friends, sister, mothers and daughters avoid some of the tourtures of dating men who don't seem to have a clue. We are not trying to say women are perfect.  We too make some terrible, stupid mistakes.  There maybe a seperate blog on that.
So now the question is just where to start.